The Parade of the Mary Sues
by NybCR
Summary: Note: This story is the most idiotic thing I've ever written, but since it's a mockery of Mary Sues, it's to be expected. Best for good writers tired of reading bad stories. This should give you a good laugh.
1. The Parade of the Mary Sues

NybCR: A WARNING to everyone who's about to read this: this story is meant only for those who have a high, HIGH tolerance for utter and complete stupidity, terrible writing, more stupidity, and a potentially illegal amount of uncreative Mary Sues. You have been warned!

Disclaimer: Even though no actual Harry Potter characters are in the prologue, I'm using some HP terms and I'd like to say that I DO NOT own them. I only own the absurd array of Mary Sues.

* * *

**Prologue**  
_The Parade of the Mary Sues_

"Order! Order!" Marianne "Charismatic" Suellan shouted into the noisy meeting room. It was instantly quiet. Marianne, being a charismatic Mary Sue, knew this would happen, because everyone always listens to her. She flipped her waist-length, curly, flame red hair over her shoulder and smiled charismatically, her emerald green eyes charismatically beaming with charisma. Charisma, charisma, charisma.

"As you all know, this meeting is about the dangerous amount of Harry Potter Mary Sue Stories out there. Something must be done to reduce the numbers, before the internet explodes!"

"The internet can't explode!" declared Maria "Intelligent" Sullivan, her intelligent, almond-shaped violet eyes (despite her heavy, nightly reading to obtain this intelligence, she does not require glasses) flashing with indignation (and intelligence, of course). "It's impossible!" she finished, nodding so that her elegant, straight black hair shimmered inexplicably. There was a general murmur of agreement among the Mary Sues, even though Maria was the only one intelligent enough to know that this was a fact.

"Even so," Marianne continued, "there are over one million Harry Potter fanfics online, and a LOT of them are Mary Sues. Don't you think that's cluttering up the place a little bit _too_ much?"

"But we can't just delete all those stories!" Rosemary "Beautiful" Sallyanne exclaimed, her beautiful lips furrowed into a beautiful frown that would have had any of the Harry Potter guys in a swoon in a heartbeat. Rosemary looked around at all the other Mary Sues, her large, beautiful, aquamarine eyes searching for agreement among the crowd. "I mean, we Mary Sues _have_ to be in stories, or else we'd die out! Beside, authors like writing us," she finished, a cute—beautiful, I mean, not cute—pout on her beautiful, heart-shaped face, which was framed by beautiful, honey-golden curls. Did I mention how beautiful Rosemary is?

"Not that people like reading them," Marylou "Cynical" Susie grumbled cynically, her gold-black eyes darkening. All of the other Mary Sues glared at Marylou, who ignored them, instead glaring at the window: dark, cynical thoughts swirling inside her cynical mind.

"You're so cruel and inconsiderate!" cried Marie "Tragic" Zsu Zsu, running from the room with bitter, tragic tears tragically streaming down her tragically beautiful olive face. Her departure was so tragic, in fact, that many of the Mary Sues found themselves weeping in sympathy for the poor, tragic girl. Some, like Marylou, simply ignored it, but only one had the gall to speak.

"Well, at least we won't have to endure her tragedy and we can get on with the meeting," snapped Annemarie "Jerk" Susanne, her gray-and-black eyes annoyed by the Tragic Marie's drama. Even though many of the perfect Mary Sues glared at Annemarie's perfect Jerk-ness, Marianne actually appreciated it, for she too was getting annoyed with all the interruptions.

"Right," Marianne said, flashing another charismatic smile. "Anyway, I've come up with a solution: instead of having so many Harry Potter fanfics with so many Mary Sue characters, how about we just have one BIG Harry Potter fanfic with _all_ the Mary Sues?"

Won over by Marianne's amazing charisma, the crowd of Mary Sues immediately agreed to her plan. Then Rosemary asked in her beautiful soprano voice, "But what shall we call it?"

Maria smiled, and for some inexplicable reason everyone turned to her even though most of them couldn't even see her; despite this obstical, they all managed to see the glint in her violet eyes that signaled another brilliant idea. "We'll call it 'The Parade of the Mary Sues'," she said intelligently.

"Why, what an excellent idea," said all of the Mary Sues (and those who didn't say it, thought it).

"Now the only thing that's left to do is choose which House we're all going to be in," Marianne stated. "Now, raise your hand if you want to be in Gryffindor." People raised their hands, and through her amazing powers as a Mary Sue, Marianne deducted that exactly 40 percent of the Mary Sues wanted to be in Gryffindor. (Come on, all those hunky Gryffindor guys, who wouldn't wanna be there?)

"Slytherin?" 40 percent (cough, cough) (Draco and Snape!)

"Hufflepuff?" 19 percent (Hey, screw Cho and forget he died at the end of GoF, Cedric's hot!)

"Ravenclaw?" 1 percent (...huh? There're no hot guys in Ravenclaw…) (at least, none that JK Rowling told us about...)

Everyone glared at the one person whose hand was raised on "Ravenclaw", and found that the Mary Sue was, in fact, Marty Sam! His handsome grey eyes went wide, and as he stood up to reveal a tall, muscular form beneath tight, leather clothes, he shouted, "Cho's HOT!" and then ran from the room.

Marianne shouted after him, "And don't come back! This is the Parade of the Mary Sues, and that means GIRLS ONLY!" Turning back to the crowd, she gave a final, charismatic smile. "Well, let's get on with the Parade, then, shall we?"

* * *

NybCR: Yes, I'm writing like a ditzy fangirl on purpose. Criticism, compliments, flames—review as you like; I'm in a parody mood and open to just about anything. Also, if I offended anyone with my blunt idiocy, I apologize—offense was never in mind in the process of writing this story. Now, GAGING, on the other hand... ;)  



	2. The March of the Marty Stus

NybCR: A WARNING to everyone who's about to read this: this story is meant only for those who have a high, HIGH tolerance for utter and complete stupidity, terrible writing, more stupidity, and a potentially illegal amount of uncreative Mary Sues. You have been warned!

(I think I'll put that warning up at the beginning of each chapter.)

NybCR: Hello! Okay, first I'd like to thank everyone for the reviews! Also, sorry for not explaining exactly what a Mary Sue is; there were a few people who didn't know. But ANYTHING and EVERYTHING you need to know about Mary Sues is in this essay from Contra Veritas... unfortunately, I can't put a link up or even type it out since the internet is so evil, so you'll have to type in the url youself. Just put "contraveritas", the "dot com" thing, and then "/funstuff/essays/marysues.htm".

Okay, now that that's cleared up...

to **loonygrl90**: (GASP) My first reviewer! YEAH! (glomps)

to **Tikvah Ariel**: Actually, I've heard the male Mary Sues being called a whole lot of things, including Marty Sam, Marty Stu, and Gary Stu. It all depends on where you look. As for this fanfic, they're called Marty Stus (Marty Sam from the previous chapter is just one of the characters). Also, I haven't read Attack of the Mary Sues... maybe I should...

to **Ajariel the Bloody**: (eyes cautiously and backs away slowly, then stops) Kidding! (glomps) Hooray for fellow Mary Sue Bashers! Don't worry, I don't mind rambling. I do it all the time, you see.

Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter. Am reluctant to say I own the Mary Sues and Marty Stus. Ah, what the hey. They're MINE and you can't have them.

* * *

**Prologue II**  
_The March of the Marty Stus_

Unbeknownst to the Mary Sues, Marty Sam had actually been acting as a spy in the meeting, and when he left the room with the exclamation "CHO'S HOT" he had secretly teleported to the other meeting that was going on.

Martin Steve and the rest of the Marty Stus were waiting for him. "Report, Marty Sam," Martin "Courageous" Steve stated courageously, even though there's really nothing to be courageous about... I mean, no! I didn't mean it! STAY AWAY FROM ME, MARTY S-

(Please pardon the interruption. Because of the incompetence of NybCR-who is a girl-to make the Marty Stus seem as perfect and amazing as the Mary Sues, she will be replaced with a MALE fanfic author - RCbyN - who can write Marty Stus how they should be written. Thank you.)

"Well, Martin," Marty "Stealth" Sam began solemnly, stealthily sitting down in his appointed chair, "it seems the Mary Sues are going to Hogwarts in one big Harry Potter Fanfic rather than a hundred small ones."

Martin swore courageously under his courageous breath. "Then it is as we feared. How are the Marty Stus supposed to compete with that many Mary Sues?"

"Just how many Mary Sues _are_ there, Marty?" Marvin "Brilliant" Sugden inquired, and all the Marty Stus were in awe of his brilliance.

Marty sighed stealthily. "There are exactly 99 Mary Sues," he answered, his voice grave (and stealthy, of course).

"But there art only fourteeneth of us," Timothy "Dramatic" Svene exclaimed, his voice filling with unfathomable, dramatic woe. "O, woe and tragedy, all is hopelessly losteth! How caneth we, pitiful beings, competeth with they, wond'rous nymphs? O, woe and drama - "

"Oh, will you can the crap, already?" Martison "Grouchy" Stannard snapped, annoyed and grouchy. Timothy's dramatic, brown-flecked-with-blue eyes flared for a moment with dramatic indignation, but his twin brother Timarty "Creative" Svene managed to creatively calm him down. (No, I don't REALLY know how, just use your own "creative" imaginations. And, no, he didn't do anything dirty, you sickos.)

"Anyway, what should we do?" Marty asked stealthily, looking at his fellow Marty Stus.

"There's only one thing we can do," Marvin stated brilliantly, his brilliant black eyes shining with brilliance. "We have to invade the Mary Sues' fanfiction and cut down their numbers."

"Oh, really? We never would've guessed," grumbled Martmyer "Sarcastic" Stephen, his amber locks falling into his sarcastic hazel eyes.

Marvin, in his brilliance, knew better than to listen to Martmyer's sarcastic grumblings, and continued what he was saying. "Since there are so many Mary Sues, we must use their fan-girl instincts and mob mentality against them. We'll simply find someone they hate at Hogwarts - if we're lucky, Bellatrix Black or someone like her will be there - and convince the Mary Sues to go after them."

"Not all of them will go," Marty stealthily reminded him. Stealthily. "After all, some of those Mary Sues actually have a modicum of intelligence - Maria Sullivan, for one."

"Well, we don't need all of them gone," Martin put in courageously. "Just a good number of them."

Marty smiled, his handsome gray eyes gleaming with an inborn stealth. "All right, then. But what shall we call our plan"

"Well," Timarty said creatively, smiling, "since the girls are calling their plan 'The Parade of the Mary Sues'," (I wonder how he knows that?) "we should call our plan 'The March of the Marty Stus'."

"An excellently creative idea," Martin stated courageously. "Now let's get to Hogwarts before the Mary Sues do." And he courageously led the thirteen other Marty Stus outside, where a port key conveniently awaited them.

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NybCR: You will (or won't) notice that the writing style in this chapter is slightly different from before. Well, there are two reasons: (1) I haven't updated for over two weeks :P, and (2) I want to keep this parody from sliding into monotony (Mary Sues seem to do that to a fanfic, don't they?) and so I'm making sure to keep the pattern changing. Oh, and (3) RCbyN is just me wearing a baseball cap. Seriously! I'm wearing a baseball cap whenever I'm typing for the Marty Stus (i.e., whenever I'm "pretending" to be RCbyN). The reason? I am HYPER today because I didn't put enough tea in my sugar this morning! 

Questions, comments, criticism - let me know!


	3. We're Transfer Students, Honest

NybCR: A WARNING to everyone who's about to read this: this story is meant only for those who have a high, HIGH tolerance for utter and complete stupidity, terrible writing, more stupidity, and a potentially illegal amount of uncreative Mary Sues. You have been warned!

NybCR: Yah! Reviews! I feel so special!

to **Heather**: Oh. Um... okay then, each unto his own, I guess...

to **Liberating Penguins**: (blinks) Umm... I forgot about Roger Davies. (insert curses) I mean (COUGH, COUGH) the _Mary Sues_ forgot about Roger Davies, a mistake I will have to fix for them... or something... um... yeah.

to **ThelovelyladyLily**: AN ENTIRE C2 COMMUNITY FOR MARY SUES! (faints)

NybCR: For this chapter, the Marty Stus will put their plan into effect, everyone will be sorted, and Dumbledore will prove that he is, even in a Mary Sue story, quite smart. But don't listen to me handing out spoilers, read on!

Edit: Erm... I wrote "first" before, but it really starts in Harry's FIFTH year. I revised it now but, for anyone who read it before then, I did mean fifth. Sorry! I don't know how I missed that when I was editing...

Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter. Am reluctant to say I own the Mary Sues and Marty Stus. Ah, what the hey. They're MINE and you can't have them.

* * *

**Chapter One**  
_We're Transfer Students, Honest_

The Mary Sues used their magic teleportation powers to magically teleport to Hogwarts. Amazingly (or not-so-amazingly since they're Mary Sues), they arrived just as the first years did. The Marty Stus arrived at this time as well, but their port key took them right in front of the Entrance Hall, so no one saw them immediately since Professor McGonagall never came to the Entrance Hall until a split second before the first years.

(Oh, and the author would like to inform the readers that this story is taking place in Harry's fifth year. She would also like to grumble about how both the Mary Sues and the Marty Stus were too lazy to tell the readers this themselves, but she has an awful lot of writing to do.)

Anyway, the Mary Sues went into the boats and across the lake with the other first years, and once they got to the other side, they entered the Great Hall in all their smiling perfection, and for some inexplicable reason, guys everywhere in the Great Hall were stunned into silence by the beauty they saw. So beautiful and perfect were they, in fact, that Colin Creevey ran up to them and started snapping pictures like a madman and Malcolm Baddock (some anonymous Slytherin who nobody really knows) was blinded by their awesome perfection and was dragged to the Hospital Wing by two other anonymous Slytherins.

Dumbledore was looking at them questioningly. "You don't _look_ like first years."

"Oh, we're not first years. We're transfer students from Beauxbatons, Durmstrang, and Salem," Marianne explained. When Dumbledore still looked skeptical, she added in her most charismatic tone, "Honest."

Dumbledore smiled, his eyes twinkling, suddenly taken over by Marianne's amazing charisma (or so the Mary Sues believed, but the author knows otherwise). "Ah, yes… now I remember. The _transfer_ students. All right, all of you, you will be sorted once the first years are finished."

So, while the first years were sorted, the Mary Sues began preening themselves, glancing at their desired boys/men. Then, just as the last first year was finished (some anonymous kid named James Zambezi), the doors of the Great Hall opened, and fourteen Marty Stus entered, awing every female in the great room - except for the Mary Sues, who were enraged - but stunningly so - by the arrival of the Marty Stus.

"What are you doing here?" Marianne demanded of Martin, her emerald eyes glowing (literally glowing, I mean) with charismatic indignation.

Martin just smiled courageously. "Why, we're the rest of the transfer students, of course," he replied.

"Why should we believe you?" Marilyn "Strong" Zoey hissed, her smooth biceps tensing with rage and strength. "How do we know you're not spies for Voldemort trying to get into Hogwarts?"

But Martin just smiled. "How can we be spies? We have _them_ with us, don't we?" Martin courageously gestured to several people behind him who the Mary Sues hadn't noticed before. Many of them gasped, and a few swooned: for there was Viktor Krum, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Oliver Wood, Bill Weasley, and Cedric Diggory.

Dumbledore smiled and stood. "Ah, yes. Don't worry, ladies, I remember these fellows. I asked them here, myself, actually. Students, before you become alarmed by the appearance of Sirius Black and Cedric Diggory, let me explain. You see, it turns out Cedric never died; he was only in a coma and wasn't killed by the Avada Kedavra because he was so close to Harry Potter, who is immune to that spell."

(The author would like to inform the readers that she is gagging at what she is presently writing, and that this lame excuse for an excuse was the Mary Sues' idea. She would like to add that what she is about to write in the next paragraph is also the Mary Sues' idea, and the author had nothing to do with it except for typing it. Thank you.)

"As for Sirius Black," Professor Dumbledore continued, ignoring the author's note, "his innocence of all crimes charged against him has been proven by the sighting of Peter Pettigrew and the recording of his drunken confessions. I won't tell you how this came about because nobody really knows; it was just convenient for the Mary Sues when they decided how Sirius Black would be proven innocent.

"Regardless," Dumbledore continued, "all you need to know is why they are all here. The answer is simple: because of the Triwizard Tournament last year, Viktor and Cedric didn't have a chance to finish their homework and failed their seventh year. So, they are both going to attend Hogwarts to finish up their education." Then Dumbledore paused and looked at Martin, his eyes twinkling merrily. "Martin, why don't you explain the rest?"

"Certainly, Professor!" Martin said, slightly taken aback, but still smiling courageously. "Since Madam Hooch, Professor Vector, and Professor Flitwick retired just yesterday, we needed new Flying, Arithmancy, and Charms teachers. Oliver Wood has volunteered to teach Flying; Bill Weasley is going to teach Arithmancy; and Remus Lupin is teaching Charms."

"What about Sirius Black?" one of the Sirius Black fans asked anxiously.

Timothy sighed theatrically - I mean, he sighed _dramatically_, even though "theatrically" would be a much better word to use in this instance and would add some color to the structure of the sentence. But that is only the opinion of the author, who has been outvoted by the Mary Sues and the Marty Stus. But that's beside the point; the point is that Timothy just sighed _dramatically_. "Mr. Black wast meant to teacheth the fair Defense 'gainst the Darkest Arts, but, unfortunately, he wast unableth to geteth the positioneth."

"Why not?" cried the 37 Sirius Black fans.

"O, fair nymphs, yon position wast 'ready takeneth," he replied dramatically, gesturing to the Head Table. Everyone immediately looked to the table and saw Professor Umbridge, sitting in the chair meant for the Defense against the Dark Arts teacher.

The thirty-seven Mary Sues who were also Sirius Black fans were instantly blinded with unspeakable rage and began charging towards Professor Umbridge, and forty-eight more Mary Sues, overcome with mob mentality, also charged towards Umbridge. Soon, Umbridge was taken out of the Great Hall, leaving only fourteen Mary Sues left. The fourteen remaining ones immediately knew what the Marty Stus had done, and glared at them, furious in their perfection.

Dumbledore ignored their perfect fury and clapped his hands. "Well, then. Since Umbridge has been carried away by an angry mob, I believe it is safe to say that the Defense against the Dark Arts position is open. Mr. Black?"

Sirius grinned. "Call me 'Professor Black', sir. I'd be happy to take the position."

"Well, now that that's settled, let's have our remaining 30 students sorted, shall we?"

With that, Professor McGonagall stood and began reading names.

"Eustace, Marston."

Marston "Angsty" Eustace stepped forward, angst filling the sound of every angsty footstep, and the Sorting Hat was placed on his angst-fraught head. After a few moments, the Hat shouted, "HUFFLEPUFF!"

"Oh, of course I would get into Hufflepuff!" Marston shouted, his angsty yet musical tenor voice brimming with angst. "Oh, sure, just make fun of the kid whose life is filled with so much angst! GOD! No one understands me!" And everyone felt pity for poor, angsty Marston. I mean, look at his last name, Eustace. Is it any wonder why he's so angsty?

Even so, McGonagall continued as though nothing had happened. "Krum, Viktor."

He stepped up to the Hat.

"SLYTHERIN!"

"Sallyanne, Rosemary."

_She_ stepped up to the Hat.

"SLYTHERIN!"

Rosemary pouted beautifully for a second, but then her beautiful aquamarine eyes caught sight of all the hot guys sitting at the Slytherin table, and she became beautifully content immediately.

"Sam, Marty."

Guess what? He stepped up to the Hat, too.

"RAVENCLAW!"

Satisfied, Marty stealthily walked to the Ravenclaw table, sitting next to Cho Chang and stealthily earning himself glares from Cedric Diggory and Harry Potter, who were instantly jealous of him and how Cho gazed at him with complete admiration.

"Stafford, Marthin."

Marthin "Cheerful" Stafford walked cheerfully to the stool, sitting down cheerfully with a cheerful smile on his cheerful face as the Hat was cheerfully placed on his cheerful head.

"GRYFFINDOR!"

"Gryffindor? How cheerfully excellent!" Marthin exclaimed cheerfully, skipping cheerfully over to the Gryffindor table, the inhabitants of which accepted him cheerfully.

"Stanis, Martion."

Martion "Sexy" (Hey, you all knew it was coming) Stanis walked up to the Sorting Hat with his sexy gait, and every single female (except for the Mary Sues, who were miraculously immune to his Marty Stu powers) began eyeing him, and there was more than one female who thought to herself, "My, what a sexy glutinus maximus that strapping young lad has." To be exact, there were four females who thought this, and they were all teachers. Every other female, including the Mary Sues, thought, "Damn, he's got a fine ass."

Anyway, he sat on the stool and the Hat was placed on his sexily wavy hair. After a second, the Hat shouted, "GRYFFINDOR!" and all the Gryffindor females cheered, while the rest of the females looked at them with envy. Even the Gryffindor males clapped with grudging respect at this announcement. So, Martion walked with his sexy gait over to the Gryffindor table as McGonagall announced the next name.

"Stannard, Martison."

Martison grouchily trudged over to the Hat and reluctantly put it on his head.

"GRYFFINDOR!"

Martison sneered grouchily at the Hat and ripped it off his head, grouchily walking like a grouchy adolescent to the Gryffindor table, muttering under his breath and sitting next to Parvati Patil, who appeared arroused by his grouchiness.

And so it went. Martmyer was sarcastically sorted into Ravenclaw with the creative Timarty and the insane Ellamarie Sukey; Markham "Powerful" Sterling, MacMarty "Crazy" Steward, Annemarie "Jerk" Susanne, Marylou "Cynicle" Susie, and Matthew "Handsome" Sutcliffe were sorted into Slytherin; Martin "Courageous" Steve, Martay "Hilarious" Suart, Marianne "Charismatic" Suellan, Marvin "Brilliant" Sugden, Maria "Intelligent" Sullivan, Marigold "Agile" Suzanna, Maribell "Cute" Suzette, Timothy "Dramatic" Svene, Marie "Tragic" Zsu Zsu, Philamarie "Seductive" Zsuella, Oliver Wood, Sumaria "Witty" and Sumarie "Funny" Zsusanne (twins) were all sorted into Gryffindor; while Mariella "Artistic" Sulwyn and Marilyn "Strong" Zoey were both sorted into Hufflepuff.

(The author is glad that she does not have to say all that aloud, because if she did, she would be out of breath for a good ten minutes.)

Anyway, once they were all sorted, Dumbledore made all his usual announcements, they ate, and they went to bed, all of them wondering what would happen the next day with twenty-eight perfect people at Hogwarts.

* * *

NybCR: Well, there's the next chapter: exactly 28 Mary Sues and Marty Stus, each and every one already eyeing their crush. Chapter two should be an interesting one... (grins evilly) 

Questions, comments, criticism - let me know!


	4. Marianne and Sirius

NybCR: A WARNING to everyone who's about to read this: this story is meant only for those who have a high, HIGH tolerance for utter and complete stupidity, terrible writing, more stupidity, and a potentially illegal amount of uncreative Mary Sues. You have been warned!

Disclaimer: It will also be wise to note that I do not own Sirius Black, and once you're finished reading this, you'll be glad that he's safe in the hands of JK Rowling, nevermind that he's dead in the hands of JK Rowling. But that's beside the point. Please don't sue me.

NybCR: Well, it has been a while, hasn't it? Anyway, my hiatus is over and the Mary Sues are forcing me to write again--so, on with the story, get reading already!

* * *

**Chapter Two**  
_Marianne and Sirius_

The morning sun rose, casting a pale light on the lush green grass of the Hogwarts ground. The dew glittered like stars beneath the multi-colored sky, while the morning doves awoke, singing sweetly to the sun's warm rays. The owls and nightengales fled the light, seeking shelter in the shadowy

The author would like to apologize, but it is written in her contract that she is given a limit of fifty words, and fifty words only, of well-written (cough) I mean, flippant, descriptive material per chapter. She has expended her fifty words, and now she must write what the Mary Sues and Marty Stus tell her to write.

Marianne Suellan always wakes up at dawn, even though her upbringing of a spoiled, pampered brat dictates that she shouldn't be able to crawl out of bed until well after noon. But the author's contract says that she wakes up at dawn and she is NOT afraid of mice, so, for all the reader knows, Marianne Suellan wakes up at dawn with perfectly styled hair, manicured nails, and glowing skin without applying any make-up whatsoever, and she will not scream like a little girl and jump onto the nearest chair when she sees a mouse in the vicinity.

So, without a fear of mice racing into her path, Marianne wandered around the corridors, wondering what would happen to her. She paused to look out the window to observe the sunrise, which was partially described by the author.

Despite the author's vehement protests, the Mary Sues insisted that the scene changed abruptly and without any kind of interlude whatsoever. So, without further adoo, and regardless of the dramatic Timothy's insistance that A-D-O-O is how you spell "adeiu", there will be an abrupt scene change without any prior warning to the reader.

Sirius Black had spent the previous night tossing and turning in his bed, images of the charismatic, emerald-eyed Marianne swimming in his head. So, when the dawn's light filtered through the blinds over his window (although the author wonders why he has blinds instead of curtains, she doesn't question it overtly since it gives her the opportunity to use the words "filtered" and "blind" in the same sentence, the concept of which makes her giggle inexplicably), Sirius got up from his bed and took a shower. He was too tired to dry off or shave, so he simply pulled a pair of pants on and began wandering through the Hogwarts corridors, wet, shirtless, and with a five o'clock shadow.

The author would like to remind any and all fangirls reading this not to drool on the keyboard.

Anyway, as Sirius traversed the corridors, he ran into Marianne Suellan. Shocked at seeing her beautiful, charismatically emerald-green eyes, Sirius was unable to speak.

Marianne, on the other hand, smiled sweetly--I mean, charismatically--at the shirtless professor. "Good morning, sir." She peered curiously at his wet torso, and glanced at his face, which was turning red from her scrutiny. "May I ask where your shirt is, sir?"

Before Sirius could think of a response, he felt the sudden urge to take Marianne in his arms and kiss her passionately. So, he did just that.

Please excuse the author for a moment. She just felt the sudden, inexplicable urge to gag.

And gag.

And gag.

And by the time she finished gagging, Marianne and Sirius's passionate kiss had ended, but she arrived just in time to record Sirius's statement right after their lips parted.

"I--Marianne, I love you," Sirius said breathlessly.

Marianne's emerald-green eyes sparkled charismatically, even though the author wanted to replace "emerald" with "lime", since everyone knows that lime-green is a much more interesting color than emerald-green, seeing as how emerald-green is overused, anyway. Regardless of the author's many complaints, Marianne's EMERALD-green eyes continued to sparkle charismatically as she expressed her eternal love for Sirius--a love that would last longer than Mt. Everest and shine brighter than the light of a thousand suns.

"And I, you, my loverly schnookums," Marianne cooed charismatically, and Sirius fell for her charisma, hearing all the unspoken words in her gracefully charismatic statement.

Unfortunately, someone else had witnessed this exchange, but did not gag, unlike our soft-stomached author--the reason for this is that the Someone Who Witnessed Marianne and Sirius Snogging was, in actuality, Remus Lupin.

Now, if it was any other guy, they probably would have been glowing with envy at seeing Sirius snog such a beautiful, charismatic young lady (unless it was a Marty Stu, then they would have cheered Sirius on for the snog-session), and while Remus did feel that jealous twinge in his chest, he did not feel jealous of Sirius. He felt jealous of Marianne. The reason for this is that Remus had secretly been in love with Sirius ever since they first met. But, in light of Marianne's charismatic perfection and the fact that Remus wanted Sirius to be happy, Remus felt his jealousy melt away beneath his sadness.

So, as Remus silently walked away from Marianne and Sirius (who resumed snogging after their declarations), another Mary Sue began thinking of Remus...

* * *

NybCR: Not quite as long as the previous chapter, but I've had a long hiatus. Let me get over it first. 

Comments, questions, criticism, flames--the submit review button isn't THAT far away, you know!


	5. Marvin and Hermione

NybCR: A WARNING to everyone who's about to read this: this story is meant only for those who have a high, HIGH tolerance for utter and complete stupidity, terrible writing, more stupidity, and a potentially illegal amount of uncreative Mary Sues. You have been warned!

Disclaimer: Yeah, like I actually own Hermione. Only the Mary Sues, and frankly, I'm starting to wish I _didn't_ own them, you know? But anyway.

NybCR: Haha, I'll bet you all thought I was dead, didn't you? Nonsense! I'm just being lazy... well, I did start college recently, so maybe that had something to do with it too. Regardless, I may be a bit rusty with my Sue-Humor, so forgive me if the third chapter's a bit lacking.

Edit: Bah! I am so rusty I forgot to write most important word in the entire chapter over and over again!

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**Chapter Three**  
_Marvin and Hermione_

In case the readers are wondering why the third chapter was so long in coming, it is because NybCR and RCbyN had both died from stupidity, and it took the Mary Sues and Marty Stus over a year to find another author who was willing to continue this story. I am that author. As the author is new, the author thought she should introduce herself. She is Nybia Cravets, and definitely NOT NybCR or RCbyN in any way, shape, or form.

(The facts about these two authors' demise may vary depending on your sources. The author, Nybia Cravets, actually received a letter from NybCR claiming that she had not, in fact, died, but was merely hiding from the Mary Sues before they could force her into slavery again. RCbyN, on the other hand, has not been heard from since he wrote _Chapter One: We're Transfer Students, Honest_. His baseball cap, on the other hand, has been found on the floor of the author's bedroom, so the author is just kinda assuming he has been eaten by rabid, mutant can-openers.)

Regardless, the Sues and Stus did not hire Miss Cravets for introductions. They hired her to write about their various adventures in Hogwarts. Therefore, on with the story!

Hermione was on her way to her first class of the day, which also happened to be the first class of the school year. The day by which class begins at the starting of the year; not technically the _first_ day, since the first day was the previous day, when the firsts and the rest arrived, but the first day for classes to have their first class. The first class of the second day but the actually the first day for such activities. Simple, yes?

Normally, Hermione would be walking with Harry and Ron, but they were not with her today. Also normally, this is where the author would put in a reasonable explanation as to their absence; however, the author was not given a decent excuse to write and is too lazy to come up with one herself, so she will omit any reasonable explanation and simply hope that the readers do not notice.

Regardless, Hermione was walking to her first class, Ancient Runes. On the way there, a boy with brilliant jet black eyes watched her, and he began walking toward her in a brilliant manner.

"Excuse me," Marvin "Brilliant" Sugden said, "but we seem to be heading to the same class, and I was wondering if you would mind walking with me."

Hermione blushed and nodded. She had seen Marvin when he had been so brilliantly sorted and immediately thought that he was very dashing and brilliant. She had also heard that he was extremely intelligent and brilliant—which could only earn him bonus points in Hermione's book. Where, exactly, she heard these rumors is unknown, and it puzzles the greatest of scientists, since it was only the first day of class and rumors don't start circulating until at least the _second_ day of class.

But even so, Hermione was very taken with the brilliant Marvin, and in Ancient Runes, her chestnut-brown eyes kept wandering to look at the back of his brilliant head, which was covered with brilliant, smooth, silky hair the color of deep violet, like brilliant violets brillianted newly brilliant bloomed brillaintly in the brilliant spring. Man I'm getting tired of that word. Hermione was enamoured with the way the sun shone with such brilliance off of his brilliant head.

Once class was over, Hermione was determined to avoid him as much as possible, embarassed she might accidentally do something stupid. But as she walked down the corridor to her second class, she tripped—and was brilliantly caught by none other than Marvin.

Hermione was too stunned to speak, but Marvin simply smiled, brilliance shining in the simple curve of his brilliant lips.

And gave her a brilliant kiss on the cheek.

And walked away, leaving brilliance in his wake.

And Hermione watched him in all his brilliance.

And she knew immediately that she was in brilliant love.

And the author would love to continue writing these brilliantly grammatically incorrect fragmented paragraphs, each starting with a conjunction.

But the author needs to go to the bathroom.

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Comments, questions, criticism, flames--the submit review button isn't THAT far away, you know! 


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